Snafu
by angelps7
Summary: Ever walk in a room and you feel like blushing, staring, looking away, gaping, or running? Wrong conversation, wrong time, and it seems the world is going insane! Yes, it gets chaotic! Random snippets of conversations. Cowritten with Lylian and Skittlehog
1. Chapter 1

**sna·fu** /snæˈfu, ˈsnæfu/ Pronunciation Key - _noun, adjective, verb, _**-fued, -fu·ing. **

_Noun:_ a badly confusing or ridiculously muddled situation.

_Adjective:_ disorder, chaotic.

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**A/N:** My friend **Lylian** and I have had this idea for quite a while!!

Warning: it takes a dirty mind to read most of these! Just so you know before-hand… get your mind in the gutter please! Lol! Have fun.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own anything!!

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"Are you serious?!" Ginny clutched at her sides, laughing hard.

"Honestly, it was so big! I could stick 3 fingers in there!" Hermione exclaimed. She heard footsteps halt behind her. "Oh hi Ron!" she said cheerfully, turning around.

He gaped at her.

"Everything ok?"

"I don't wanna know."

"But it's so funny!"

"NO! EWW!!"

"What do you mean, 'ew'? It's only natural, Ron!"

Ron covered his ears, face purple from embarrassment, and scrambled toward the portrait hole. This only sent Ginny into spasms, she was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe!

"Besides-"

But Hermione didn't get the chance to finish her statement.

Ron ran out of the Common Room. More like sprinted.

"What's wrong with him?" Ginny asked.

"I don't know…"

"Anyways! So then what happened?"

"Well the dentist had no idea what to do! He said he's _never_ seen an overbite _so big_ before!" Hermione explained. "Luckily I came to Hogwarts and Pomfrey fixed it… you know, after the Malfoy-beaver-incident…"

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**A/N: **Yes, we love innuendos and puns. Especially sexual ones. Is there any other kind? Lol! It is the air we breathe, the food we swallow. Cough, cough. We figured we could make one crazy story out of our little moments!!

Some are made up; some are taken straight from our lives. This one happened to be from mine lol!

**Lylian** and I are co-writing this… and possibly **skittlehog** if she wishes to join! So expect it to be crazy!! With 3 mad geniuses behind it… who knows what chaos shall ensue.

Yay!

Reviews please? Suggestions? Anything you're interested in seeing?


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** HEY, this is Lylian's first chapter on Snafu. Review or else face the Dark Lord.

**Disclaimer: **I did not write this for profit, just for your laughs that help me sleep at night.

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"Wow, this is going to sound really embarrassing, but I've never seen one before," said Harry.

"Really?" asked Ginny. "You can touch it if you like."

"Are you positive?"

"Of course. I'm not uncomfortable about it."

He reached lower and caressed the dark, curly hair.

"It's nice."

"You think?"

"Yeah, and really soft too. It feels good."

"I know. Whenever I'm feeling sad, I just reach down and play with it a bit. Keeps my mind off things."

"Maybe, maybe I could try that sometime."

"Yeah, you can join me! We'll have fun together."

"Alright, but you'll have to tell me what to do. Like I said, I've never seen one up close before, so I don't know exactly what to do with it."

"I'll teach you everything I know," said Ginny, grinning.

Harry got to his knees and pressed his face to it.

"Good, because I think I'm going to enjoy this."

"Just meet me in the commons tonight."

He then picked up Arnold the Pigmy Puff and cuddled him to death.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the encouragement! sooo without further adieu…

**Disclaimer:** Sorry authorities, but we're not stealing any of this stuff. You should know that by now.

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"Go, Harry, go!!" Ginny screamed.

"Shut it, I'm trying!" Harry growled.

Apparently Ginny was very loud.

"Come on!!! Faster!" she cried. "You're- almost- there-" she panted.

And then she gasped.

"Damn," she swore, a moment later. "Bloody hell, it's slippery today!" she commented.

"Yes, quite," Hermione agreed, beside her, as the crowd cheered amidst the pouring rain. "Harry needs to catch that snitch soon, or it is all over."

Ginny shook the wet locks out of her face and nodded, focusing her attention back on the players.

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**A/N: **Hahah what did YOU think was going on, jeez! Dirty. Devious. Gotta love it! I swear it's all in your mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Remember, mind in the gutter… wink wink.

**Disclaimer:** Los caracteres no son los nuestros!! Yeeeesh. Ay ay ay…

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"Seamus, get your finger out of there!" Lavender shrieked, swatting his hand away.

"What?"

"Have you no shame or decency?!" she cried. "And in the middle of class, nonetheless!"

"So?!"

"What do you mean, 'so'?!" Lavender hissed, straightening her skirt.

"Does it matter? Day, night, bedroom, bathroom, in class… it doesn't make a difference!"

"You are such a pig!" she huffed and turned away.

"Bloody woman!! It's not my fault my nose is stuffy today," he muttered, exasperated.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: we own nothing… not even- nevermind.

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"I said, FEEL IT!!

Everybody in the common room turned to stare.

"No! I refuse to."

"Please?"

"No."

"It jiggles…"

"No."

'It's bouncy…"

"No."

"It's squishy!"

"Please??" was the desperate plead.

"No!"

"But… you're the first person I've let touch it. You should feel honored!"

Several eyebrows rose at that.

"No thanks, I feel sufficiently revolted now."

"Come on…"

"Eww, no! It's _dirtied_."

"Are you accusing _me_ of being _dirtied_?!"

"Well… no. Not you; your… your _thing._"

"My _thing_ is perfectly normal, thank you very much."

"No it's not! It's _ab_normal and… and _big._"

Dean slumped and walked away, hugging the ball to his chest. "It's okay, she's mental," he murmured to it.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** It's Lylian's chapter again!! So read, review and enjoy :D … or else beware!

**Disclaimer**: Do you really think that I'm JKR?

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"Go deeper!" Pansy moaned. "Gosh, just a little more."

Draco's only reply was a growl.

"Draco! You're not going deep enough!"

"Pansy, you're being impatient. Just give me a second."

Pansy sighed. "I shouldn't have expected you to get it."

Draco looked up at her, from his bent position. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"For once listen to me, and then you'll get what you want."

"Fine, I'll go deeper!" said Draco, exhausted and frustrated.

Pansy smiled, "I knew you'd see it my way."

"I'm going deeper, but I'll warn you now, it's going to get a little dirty."

"Nothing wrong with that."

Draco scoffed. "Yeah, for you. I'm the one down here who'll have to deal with the mess."

Draco reached down, grabbing in frenzy.

"You're nearly there." Pansy gasped. "Almost! C'mon, just a little more. Oh!"

Draco had finally gotten her fallen wand from the sewage drain in Hogsmeade. It had slipped out of her grasp while they were walking down the stone-paved roads. He handed the wand over.

"Draco, I think I love you. Thanks so much!" said Pansy. "But you know, you could have just said _accio wand_, instead."

Draco Malfoy, covered in dirt, grime and whatever else, glared at Pansy. "You tell me this now?"

Pansy giggled. "Well, you looked cute when you're struggling."

Draco shook his head angrily. "The things I do for women…."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: Again, I don't own any of this! Jeez.

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Seamus stopped outside the door and pressed his ear up against the door to the dormitory.

"Ooh yes! Give me bad!" came a male's voice.

A pause.

"Yes, oh baby, give me more!"

"Another… ooh yes, that's better… much better… oh baby, you're on fire!"

"How about this?" chimed a girl's voice.

"Ahh fiery, I like it!"

A giggle. "I thought you would..."

"Ahh yes, you're sexy. You're beautiful. You're an animal…"

A purr.

"Give me ferocious, give me… oh yes!! That's it!!" the voice exclaimed, out of breath.

"Is that what you're looking for?" the girl said seductively.

"Yes, it is exactly…"

The door flew open, and the scene that met Seamus sent his mind into overdrive.

Guilty faces. Confused expressions.

Sally Anne Perks, on the bed.

Colin Creevey.

A camera.

And Victoria.

… Sally's cat.

Colin Creevey was taking photos of Sally's cat dressed up as a princess.

Glittery wand, tiara and everything.

"… We were bored?" Colin questioned.

Victoria purred.

Seamus nodded mutely and walked out, vowing to himself to introduce Colin to some Playwizard.

That boy definitely needed better, wholesome entertainment.

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	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note**: This is a Valentine's Day treat to you all!! Skittlehog wrote it, so enjoy and please review!!

**Disclaimer**: ….yeah... points at self... not JKR.

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Harry walked up to the boy's dormitories but stopped. He heard voices…

"More!" said Ginny.

"Aer you sure you can handle…" said Dean.

"Yes! Now more!"

"Ah," sighed Ginny. "Down my throat."

"Ginny…"

"Be my lover!" she screamed.

"Gin…"

"Kiss me!"

Harry burst through the door to find Dean and Ginny… snacking on Hermione's Valentine's Day hearts.

"I … uh … have to use the bathroom," he said, awkwardly, and briskly walked away.

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**A/N:** LOL welll?? Skittlehog's first chapter, gotta love it!! and you've got to give her credit!!! I thought it was absolutely hilarious…

And Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!!

Unless you're celebrating S.A.D. … like me... In which case, Happy S.A.D.!!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** Yayy another chapter! True experience. Lylian and this guy. Hilarious!

Plus I updated **Eyes Behind the Mask**… for anyone who likes.

**Disclaimer**: haha like I own this stuff… you people are weird! Lol.

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George Weasley and Alicia Spinnet idly walked through the corridors.

"Let's play the finger game!"

She stared.

"You know how to play?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Not _that_ finger game…"

"Oh."

…She looked disappointed.

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**A/N:** hehe this chapter was fun to write!


	10. Chapter 10

So I'm wondering… what are your thoughts on Equus? Hmm…. ;)

**Disclaimer**: Okay… I admit it! I'm kind of stealing… just kidding I'm not. Just borrowing. None of it is mine though… hahah on with the story…

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"I lost it."

"What?"

"I lost it."

"Really??"

Nod.

"Where?"

"Slytherin common room."

"Wow…"

"Yeah, exactly."

"I always thought you'd never lose it… you know, with you being Hermione and all…"

She glared.

"I mean, I thought _I'd _at least be the first one."

"Yeah, well now it's happened. What am I supposed to do??"

"Go back there and face him…"

"What?? You want me to go back in there after… after the incident?"

"Why not?"

"Do you know how hard I worked to get this reputation?!"

"So?"

"If I stroll into the Slytherin common room, marched straight up to Draco sodding Malfoy, and tell him that I _lost_ my prefect badge, he'd mock me mercilessly and forever!"

"But you need it back, you know, and where else could it be? Draco has to give it to you, or he'll be in trouble."

"Fine!!" Hermione threw her hands up and stomped out of the Gryffindor common room.

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**A/N:**

So guess what? I entered that sweepstakes, where you could win a trip to see the stars premiere of HP OoP and hang out at the after-party and everything with the stars…. And I entered over 450 times (yes, I am WAYYY obsessed…….) BUT I didn't win!! I got 4th prize winner… so I got a soundtrack to GoF… but still!! I wanted to go there… lol it's my dream… hahah I don't know why I'm sharing this. I just feel like it cuz I am sad. Hahah….


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer**: Weelll… I met a cute guy named Ron with red hair, I wish I owned him!!

Sadly I haven't met any Draco's with platinum blonde hair… I wonder why… :(

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Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet sat in Angelina's room discussing plans for their Friday night soirée.

"So everyone really wants to do it on Friday."

"How do you play?"

"It's really simple... mind you, it gets dirty."

"I can handle it. Especially if Fred and George are there…" she sighed.

"Mmm yeah..."

"… Right; so the rules are…?"

"One person holds it against her face and then blows hard. Another person has to suck it… and so on. It's like a chain."

"That's it? I've done worse. Let's play!"

"We need more people though, preferably boys."

"Easily arranged."

"Do we have enough of everything? Can't be taking any risks here…"

"I don't think so. I'll probably have to buy more."

"Well, we only need one more package and they're not that expensive. I'm sure I have a pack somewhere in here. I definitely know Katie has one. It was in her drawer last time I used it."

"Katie?"

"Oh yeah. She and Oliver do it all the time."

"Really now?" she smirked.

The other girl nodded. "Yep, almost a battle of power to them."

"Ew. I mean, um, interesting. Yeah, an extra package should be more than plenty, even if a couple get damaged or too… moist," she said, winking.

"Ew… Okay, I'm thinking we could have teams this time. The team who gets it done fastest wins. And no messes please…"

"What if it bursts?"

"Do you mean explodes?"

She nodded.

"It's part of the fun…" Angelina stressed. "You should be used to _that_ by now!"

Alicia blushed. "Well, with some decency-"

"Ohh, live a little."

"Easy for you to say. What about the people who don't know how to do it?"

"It's so easy. They could watch it being done for a while. Makes it more interesting and intense. It really builds the anticipation. When we find the extras I'll demonstrate for you."

Alicia nodded shyly.

Angelina searched through her top drawer, throwing out random socks, bras, furry items, whips, and other unmentionables.

"Oh, here it is!"

She picked up a deck of playing cards, pulled one out, and sucked it onto her face with her mouth and blew it out into the air.

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**A/N:** Lol... did you think there was a massive orgy going on? hahah cuz i did... eww.. :P


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Skittlehog has joined the fun!!!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd have released the seventh book months ago. So it is safe to say that I'm not JK Rowling.**

"Harder!"

"I can't!"

"Harder Hermione! You have to do it harder! It's all in the legs!"

"I can't Ron..."

"Yes you can, I have faith in you!"

"I've never done this before!"

"Ok fine.. I'll show you how."

"Ouch Ron!"

"Sorry, now get in front of me."

"Okay…"

"Firm grip. Like this."

He helped her grab it, wiggling for a comfortable perch.

"Are you sure this is how you do it?"

"How else would you do it?"

"Aren't there different ways? Different positions?"

"Yes, but I like it this way."

"Well if you like it, then I guess I should do it that way."

He lay his hand atop hers. She blushed scarlet. "Ok now see what I'm doing? Just copy that."

"Oh my gosh! Ron! Oh my gosh! I'm doing it!"

"Doesn't it feel good?'

"Actually, it's kind of fun!"

"Same time next week?"

"Definitely!" said Hermione, hopping off the broom and handing Ron the bat, excited for next week.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Cocabunnie has joined in on the fun! Personally, I think she is a genius.

**Disclaimer**: don't own this. Sorry.

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"So how was it?" asked Theodore Nott.

"Oddly enough, it was fun to try," replied Pansy.

"Okay, but how did it taste?"

"Bitter and salty. How else was it supposed to taste?"

"Would you try it again?"

"I'm not sure. The after taste wasn't very enticing, but Draco seemed to enjoy it."

"Next time, give me one. I want to know how it is," insisted Theodore with a smirk.

"Oh, all right." Pansy's lips parted into a smile that revealed her teeth drenched and dyed red. She got up and threw away the stick of her blood-flavored lollipop.

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**A/N:** Well?? Freakishly dirty and hilarious? Hahah… I thought so…


	14. Chapter 14

**A.N**: It's skittlehog!

**Disclaimer**: Do you see the mansion filled with Harry Potter books and gifts from fans? Neither do I.

Hermione looked at Ron in horror.

"It turned blue! Oh God it's blue!"

"Hermione it's alright!"

"Alright? Alright!? How am I supposed to tell my parents!? This is all your fault."

"You were a part of this to!" Said Ron.

"But it doesn't matter that much to you! You don't have to carry this...this...burden!"

"Hermione it's one little..."

"It's going to be huge Ronald. It's going to grow and grow..."

"Calm down everyone will understand."

"No they won't. I've lost my reputation! It's all this stress with Harry..."

"So it's his fault." Said Ron.

"No he's not the one that stuck it in there!"

Ron sighed, no matter what he did Hermione wasn't going to forget him for putting in the wrong incredient in their potion. Not now away.


	15. Chapter 15

Wow, 11 reviews for the last chapter!! I'm impressed :D thank you! How about breaking 100? There will be surprises ahead… and a **special** surprise for the lucky **100th** reviewer!!

In honor of Daniel Radcliffe.…. This belongs to **skittlehog**!

**A/N**: Yes I'm back...let the dirtiness commence...

**Disclaimer**: Does anyone else get tired and slightly depressed at writing 'I am not JK Rowling' on all of these?

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"It was so small. I was really disappointed," said Cho.

"I guess Harry isn't all that he says he is," said her friend.

"Well maybe it'll grow, you know...with a few more sessions..."

"Hopefully. How big do they get?"

"I'm not sure, but with more practice in the DA my patronus should be more powerful, right?" asked Cho as they walked back to their dormitories.

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A/N: What were _you_ thinking???


	16. Chapter 16

OKAY so weird of all weirds: **LYLIAN** was our **100th reviewer**!! Sooo no offense dearest, but I think that's _a tad_ unfair to our other lovely reviewers, so I decided **number 99** would be better!

This chapter is dedicated to the amazing **Moni Jane**! I decided to let her send in a chapter, as her special dedication surprise, yay!! It's based on a conversation she and her friends at 4 in the morning… :P

**Disclaimer**: Don't own it. None of it, actually, this time… hehe.

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A group of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws sat in the Three Broomsticks, chatting over a round of butterbeers.

"Yeah, it's long..." the Hufflepuff girl was saying.

"Is it suppose to be?" one of her female friends said.

"Mine was short..." the girl's boyfriend, Cedric replied, joining the conversation.

"Well mine is better then," Roger Davies, the Hufflepuff's boyfriend said.

"How do you figure that out?" Cedric said.

"I can squirt more liquid through" Roger said.

"Oh really? Let me try!" the Hufflepuff said

Then she picked up Roger's straw and shot some sprite in the direction of Draco Malfoy, who was sitting at a nearby table.

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**A/N:** Thank you **Moni Jane**!! And also thank you for letting me change the names and stuff so it fits in HP. :D

So what did you all think?! You gotta review for Moni Jane, she deserves the credit!! :)


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:** Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody!!

**Disclaimer**: see every chapter before this…

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Professor Flitwick skedaddled his way down a flight of stairs. This was his free period, so he decided a little snack would satisfy his little tummy's rumblings… perhaps an apple or a cumquat?

The stout man took delight in the fresh, bright air shining through the windows on this fine spring day. As he walked down the corridor, he waved to portraits, saluted and shook hands with suits of armor, conversed with ghosts-

"No, don't pull it out right now!! It's much too hard. Wait a little, it gets exciting!"

-and eavesdropped on unsuspecting classrooms.

He pushed the door open, "What in Merlin's beard is going on?!" he cried, his squeaky voice filling the room.

"Excuse me?" Professor Vector asked, breathless and clearly surprised, and jumping off the table. She held a strange object in her hand.

"What are you teaching these stu-"

"I am teaching," Professor Vector cut him off, patting down her wild hair. "If you do not agree with my methods, take it up with the headmaster.

He nodded mutely and left… some strong firewhiskey sounded much better than fruit.

Meanwhile Professor Vector straightened her blouse and continued. "After you pull it out…" she completed the problem on the chalkboard. "And that's how you solve it!"

Students nodded and scribbled furiously while she put the wizard protractor back in the drawer.

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**A/N:** **St. Patty's trivia question**:P Hehe let's see who knows:

**Who does St. Patrick's Day celebrate, and in which country was he born?**

Answer each one or both!

Hmm…


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:** This is **Lylian's and mine's** creation (I continued it halfway).

Soo the **answer** is… The day celebrates _St. Patrick_, who was born in _Britain_! Sorry guys, it was a trick question … don't get mad at me!

**Disclaimer**: We don't own any of this. I _do_ own some of Dan's new pictures… sexy I must say. I saved them haha. Wink wink.

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Hermione and Ginny sat in the Head Girl's private quarters.

"We'll have to wait until you're dry. Just tell me when you feel it."

"I think I'm dry."

She touched the other girl.

"Nope, still wet."

"Messed up? Sorry."

"No, it's alright. You can't help it. Just wait a few more minutes. Don't rush it."

"Yah let's take it slow, please. I don't want to feel any pain."

"Of course… it's your first time isn't it?"

The other girl nodded nervously.

"It's okay. Every girl faces this eventually."

She gave her a pointed look. "Not _every_ girl."

"You're right, I am slightly… _different_."

"That you are."

Ginny grinned like a Cheshire cat.

The other girl sucked in a breath. "I think I'm ready now. I can't wait any longer!!"

"Are you sure? There's no turning back…"

"Yes. Just do it."

She leaned close to her and reached up to brush the stray hair away from the other girl's eyes.

The Hermione's eyes fluttered shut…

A few minutes later, both girls sighed.

"You okay? Feel anything?"

"No it's perfect."

The Hermione examined the fake eyelash in the mirror. It really _did_ make her eyes stand out.

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**A/N**: Yes, true story. Well, only the first few lines were, as we got ready for a dance. The rest is made up…


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: You know I don't own this stuff…

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Ron stopped mid-knock outside the Head Boy's dorm.

"Oh Harry… mmmm…. That feels sooo good…"

Ron paled and took a step back.

"Is this okay?"

"Mm yes…. Your hands are like magic…"

"Well I am a wizard…"

"Yes, I see you have a wand… a very _big_, potent wand..."

"Ginny!"

She giggled. "What?" she said innocently. She groaned again. "Harry… yes, right there…"

He moaned, "My hands are tired Gin.."

"Suck it up Harry!"

"Gladly."

Ron could almost _hear_ him grinning.

She giggled.

Ron gagged.

"When is it my turn?"

"Once you've done me well!! I want to be satisfied…"

Ron began to hyperventilate.

"Gin… we're all alone, and for once nobody is interrupting us! And- ohhhh Gin, that feels-"

Ron shoved the door open and stomped in, eyes shielded. "Get your clothes back on, you disgusting pigs!!"

"Ron, you can open your eyes," Harry said.

"And scar myself for life?! No thank you! I thought we laid out rules here!!"

"Oh Merlin, Ron, we're just having some fun!" she giggled insanely.

At the tone of her wicked voice, his eyes shot open and he saw… Harry and Ginny, sitting a meter apart, fully dressed, not a hair out of place.

He gaped.

"APRIL FOOL'S!" Harry and Ginny shouted together.

Ron gaped more.

…And he stomped away.

Harry and Ginny grinned maniacally at each other. "April fool's is a brilliant excuse!"

"I agree," Ginny said as Harry snogged her passionately.

"Oh Ginny… your hands are like magic…" Harry mimicked.

She smacked him and laughed.


	20. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer**: I _dis-claim_ my ownership of Harry Potter… sadly.

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Ron smiled as he watched Hermione sleep beside him. He felt like the luckiest man in the world. Hermione turned over, still asleep, and mumbled, "Mmm Draco…" Ron froze. _Draco?? Why's she dreaming about the ferret?!_ He gaped at her back.

"Mmm yes… let me tie you up… no, the handcuffs… Over there…"

Ron began to panic. He put a hand over his pounding heart.

"Ohh… been waiting ….. too long…."

His face turned purple as he thought hard about this. _Okay; so I'm lying next to the woman I love; she's told me this many times! She'd never cheat on me. At least, I don't think… _

"Need some….. cream…"

_As in… whipped cream?! Bloody hell! That's wrong!! What have I done?!_ Ron wracked his brain in search of any horrible un-boyfriend-like thing he's done recently. _Quidditch game yesterday, dinner in Hogsmeade with Hermione the night before… she hasn't been disappearing randomly… she can't be seeing the Ferret! _

"Oh yes… all mine... begging…"

Hermione flipped over, still asleep, a content smile gracing her features.

He paled and stared at Hermione, horrified and sad. _But… but… I love you!_ he thought sadly, burying his face in his arms.

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Meanwhile, Hermione was dreaming… about one sexy Draco Malfoy…

She stood over him in a tight, black uniform. It really felt dreadfully uncomfortable, but hey! She had to. Those were the rules, the standards.

Draco lay on the floor, his legs tied with rope, and a surprised expression on his face. "Granger! I didn't know you had it in you…"

She glared at him and placed her foot on his stomach, the tall heel pointing in his belly.

"Do not speak! I'm in charge here."

He smirked wickedly.

"What should we do with him?" a voice on her left asked.

"Mmm…" she thought about it. "Give me the handcuffs." She proceeded to cuff his hands.

"Well?"

"Bring me the shaving cream. It's time for some revenge!!" She was allowed to have some revenge… er… _fun_, with him before the other aurors arrived, right?

"Draco Malfoy, you are mine," Hermione grinned evilly. "He'll be begging for mercy."

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**A/N:** Pssshhhhhh… who has sexy dreams about _Draco Malfoy_?? Crazy people...


	21. Chapter 22

**A/N**: Skittlehog chapter...

**Disclaimer**: See disclaimer in chapter before this.

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"Yes I saw one, quite large really..."

"What did it look like?"

"Really lumpy and hairy..."

A few students rolled their eyes.

"I bet she's never seen one," they whispered.

"That's why father and I are going Krumpled Snookback scouting in the woods this summer," said Luna smiling.

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**A/N:** Really, what _were_ they talking about?

Please review? I'd love to hear from you :)


	22. Chapter 23

**A/N**: Hi everyone!! Like I promised, **reviewer #150** can send in a chapter if they like!! If not, let me know and I'll let a different reviewer send one in :) Lucky reviewer 150 is **RandomObsessivePsychoFangirl **!! So let me know…

Yayy so new chapter!! It's a bit different..

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the characters, you already know that…

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Hey- you!! Yes, _you_.

Wait- just hear me out!

No- don't you run away-

_Crucio!_

There.

That'll teach you.

Now listen to me.

Oh, I'm Theodore Nott, by the way. You hardly ever hear about me, I don't know why, but now I'm here.

I have something to tell you. Don't laugh- seriously- I may be evil; scratch that, I _know_ I'm evil; but I'm not insane. There's a difference between the two! So don't think I'm insane.

Follow me up to my dorm… Okay, stop here.

Listen.

Do you hear that?

…

No?

Oh. It stopped.

Odd.

I've been hearing curious noises in there lately. Completely unhuman, strange noises.

And the breathing, and growling, and panting…

See I didn't think this would happen so soon. As Slytherins, we're already corrupted enough- but now?? Is this even _legal_?? This is our sixth year! You'd think they'd have some self-control.

So what was I supposed to do?

I can't stop their (possibly illegal) urges.

I told them I knew. Their dirty fun was over! But they refused to stop, so…

--You're still listening to me right?--

… so I said I wanted to get in the action. It's strange, but some experimenting never hurt.

They said no!! Refused their own kind!! I'm Theodore bloody Nott, my name sends people running for fear!! But nooo…. they said I'm not 'man enough.'

Wha- _Crucio!!_

Didn't I say no laughing?!

Right.

Now. Where were we?

Oh. Yes. I told-- _stop twitching, you weak fool!_-- I told Professor Snape.

Bloody hell, let me tell you- he was surprised.

And he was in _shock_ when, after following me, he opened our dorm's door and caught them all in the act- all four of my dorm-mates, clothes torn and strewn on the floor, four guilty animagi staring at us…


	23. Chapter 24

**A/N:** This chapter is by **RandomObsessivePsychoFangirl**, who was reviewer #150!! Yay, congrats!! This is a really funny chapter, I was cracking up lol, great job!!

Hope you all like it as well!!

**Disclaimer**: Characters aren't mine. And I'm pretty sure they don't belong to RandomObsessivePsychoFangirl either…

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Hi!! Yay!! I can't believe I was the 150th reviewer:) Here's my chapter for

Snafu. I'm not sure if it's good or not, but I had fun writing it!

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"It was my first time with one that big." Hermione confessed.

"Did that make it more difficult??" Ginny asked curiously while sitting on Hermione's bed in her Head dorm.

"Yep, it was much more difficult. I felt bad though; he was doing all the work while I just sorta laid around. But once it was done, we were both satisfied."

"Was he good at it??" Ginny slyly asked with a smirk on her face.

"Yes very, I found it hard, but he was done pretty fast." Hermione replied.

"Wow, I wonder where he got the experience."

"Yeah, seriously. I doubt the other Slytherin guys would play those sort of games with him" Ginny and Hermione burst into hysterical giggles at the thought.

"Although I'm surprised he even knew what it was when I brought it up," mused Hermione.

"Yeah. It seems like what he might consider a 'dirty muggle game,'" Ginny commented. "I'll bet he was surprised when you asked him to play."

"Hmm, most likely. But that doesn't change the fact that Malfoy is really good at five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzles," concluded Hermione.

...


	24. Chapter 25

**A/N:**

This is a suggestion from Heptagon: _"__Ooh! Could you do one with Snape and McGonagall? Harry could play the eavesdropper, though you could pick someone else. Muahahahaha:D_" hahah I love it!! Here ya go…

**Disclaimer**: How many times do I need to say I don't own these characters and that they belong to JKR?

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Harry was on his way to dinner when he heard shouting from Snape's classroom. He paused behind the door to listen.

"Severus, please!!"

"What, Minerva?"

"For merlin's sake, stop penetrating!"

Harry's eyes popped.

"I thought that's why we're here…"

"That's not the right one, Severus!"

Harry heard Snape grumble.

"Do you even _know_ what you're doing? I don't think you do!" she cried shrilly.

"I am not incompetent!"

She huffed.

"Just be patient and close your eyes!" he snapped.

"Poor Harry-"

_Me?? What do I have to do with this? I don't want to be involved with their nasty stuff!_ Harry thought frantically. He pushed the door open wider to hear them better.

"-were you _this_ difficult while teaching _him_ occlumency?!"

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**A/N**: Hahah eww… professor action… gross. Lol. Thank you to **Heptagon** for suggesting this!! I hope I did it justice, if not let me know and I'll do another one ;)


	25. Chapter 26

This is **Lylian's** chapter :) Enjoy! Hehe I really like this one…

**Disclaimer**: Don't own em… you already know that though!!

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She panted breathlessly and frequently, as if she were under a great strain.

He sighed. "Oh, c'mon! Loosen up a bit."

"I—I can't."

"It's easy, just—"

"No, I can't do it."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't do this."

"Sure you can."

"No," she said. "I can't."

"But you told me—"

"I know what I've told you! But I just can't do this."

"You promised me that right after the Yule Ball, you'd—"

"Aw, Cedric, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to break that promise."

He seemed speechless.

"I'm sorry if I ruined your reputation and everything. You can just lie to them, exemplify it, I don't care, but I'm still not doing this."

"Cho, you made a promise. Don't break it now." He began rubbing her shoulders.

"But--"

"Uh-uh. No backing out," he whispered closely to her ear.

"I've never done this before, Cedric. I'm nervous."

"I'll show you how it's done."

She still looked skeptical.

"I'll lead you through it. And you'll enjoy it too," said Cedric, pressing closely.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Alright," said Cho, taking in a deep breath. "Let's do it."

She took a hold of the shaft, just like he told her to. And she leaned in, exactly how he wanted. Then she plunged as far as she could go before quickly lifting herself up once again.

"You did it Cho! You did it!" cried Cedric. "You did the Wronski Feint!"

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	26. Chapter 27

Soo… the number of reviews is veryyy close to 200… I see possibly another reviewer written chapter? Hmm…

**Disclaimer**: See previous chapters!

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"It's staying up so long."

"I know, I'm surprised."

"You'd think it deflate or something by now."

"What should we do with it?"

"Pull on it?"

Hermione gave a tug. It popped back up.

"I don't know what else to do…"

"Well, under other circumstances, we could have a lot of fun with it."

"Ooh! Like suck on it!"

"Yeah. But I don't know how long it will last…"

"Hmm… Harry really liked it last night," Hermione said, turning to him, "didn't you Harry?"

Ginny giggled.

He grinned lopsidedly. "I did," he admitted. "It was fun. I'd never done that before!"

Hermione gaped at him. "Seriously?? But you-"

"Me neither," Ginny said shyly.

Hermione stared at her too. "What? Neither of you have?"

"No. You've done this a lot though?"

"Of course! The boys I knew did it with me at parties all the time. We'd go in the bathroom or the basement and-"

"Wow, so you're experienced. No wonder you were so good last night," Harry said in awe.

"Yeah, my mouth was getting tired," Ginny said.

"First time is always fun though," Harry said. "I didn't know what to do, I was just sitting there watching you two…"

"Don't worry, you just need some practice. Next time we can role-play!" she giggled.

Ginny tugged on it again. "It's still up," she sniggered as it sprang up.

Harry sighed. "Who knew balloons and sucking helium could be so fun?"

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**Author's Notes:**

Hahahahah sorry, I couldn't resist… I was staring at a balloon in my living room, from my birthday party on Saturday, and I realized its still up. Don't they usually fall to the ground by the next day? So then I realized it sounded dirty and went off on that… the original was wayyyy dirtier lol… hehe wink wink.


	27. Chapter 28

Skittlehog's chapter!! Read notes at the bottom :)

**A/N: I'm back!!**

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"So you just stick it in?" Asked Draco.

"Yeah, just right in." Replied Hermione.

"Interesting."

"Then you blow it..then suck on it."

Draco was getting excited.

"You do it really fast."

"Why? Why not long and slow?"

"It's what you're supposed to do."

"Even with Weasley's..."

"With everyones..."

"Ok, ok let me try!" He said pushing her out of the way.

"Not unil your special day," she said with a wink.

"I don't see why I have to wait until my birthday to blow the candles out!" Grumbled Draco, grabbing a piece of cake, eyeing the colorful muggle candles with longing.

* * *

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**(Skittlehog's) A/N: Hope you liked it! It's dedicated to Lylian on her "special day".**

**:) Happy 18****th!!**


	28. Chapter 29

**A/N:** Another Skittlehog chapter… actually the next one will be too… Enjoy!! :)

'Guess who's back? … Back again? … Skittlehog's back… tell a friend…" hahah jk

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**Disclaimer**: I own nothing!

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Chapter 29

………………………….

She twisted and turned in her bed.

Her conscience was getting the best of her.

What happened last night was...unexpected...

She didn't mean to, she was just sick of him doing it all the time.

"Just try it once" he said "It's all fun. You'll really like it"

And so she did, to prove him wrong. Just once.

But now she had to deal with the consequences.

She awoke to a cold sweat and ran to the bathroom.

All that fun and now she was sick in the morning.

Never again would she eat five helpings of pudding.

Hermione would just have to prove to Ron that eating like an animal is highly disgusting another way.


	29. Chapter 30

**A/N**: Hello!! This is a Lylian chapter, so get pumped! Hehe :P

**Disclaimer**: don't own the characters!

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* * *

Tom Riddle was dozing when a shadow covered the sun from his view. He opened his eyes and saw a girl just above him, holding on to--

"Who the heck are you and what are you doing with my balls?!"

She blinked for a few seconds. "I'm blowing them…"

"Who gave you permission do that! That's disgusting!"

"What are you talking about? I'm doing you a favor."

"Um, I didn't even ask you to do that. Now let go!"

"I just wanted to play with them."

"Let go!"

"No!" She yanked even harder.

"Ouch! You're hurting me!"

"Oh stop being such a pu-"

"Hey! Now look what you did. They're sagging."

"Well, I guess now you want me to blow them again."

"No."

"Why not? That way you don't have to exert yourself. I'm just helping you out."

"I don't care. Let go of my balls."

"Fine whatever. You're a mean, nasty, selfish guy anyways. Keep your balls!"

She threw his balls far away from him and sniggered as she ran off.

"I hate Muggles," said Tom, and he ran off to find his two beach blow-up balls before another little girl would try to steal them.

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	30. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer**: Don't own any characters!

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"I'm better at sucking," Ron heard his baby sister say. He tore the door open and barged inside.

"Ginerva Weasley!! What did you just say?!" His face was red.

"… uh that I suck better in and not blowing out?"

Gone with the red; in with the purple.

"Were you spying on us?" Ginny asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Doesn't matter!"

"Yes it does, this is private information!"

"Information that concerns the consent of your older brother!!"

"I need your permission to whistle?!" she demanded angrily.

Ron froze. "Huh? Of course not…"

"Then get out."

"But… you're talking about sucking… and… don't you mean…"

"We're talking about whistling technique, Ronald! You pervert! Get out!" Hermione pointed the door.

Ron, now blue, dragged himself out of the room.

"Phew, that was close," Ginny breathed.

"Genius," breathed Lavender.

"Ron is so gullible!" Hermione chuckled.

"Anyways, so after the sucking… did you get to the whipped cream?" Parvati asked eagerly.

……………….

**A/N:** Hahaha… tricked ya'll, didn't we?

Sadly, for now... this will be it for Snafu. But rest assured, those of you who love reading this... We'll come back eventually once the creative juices start running again... We'll have to see how it works out. I'm not making any promises for a quick update though. It's been fun though! Thank you all for your support and lovely reviews, we're glad you've enjoyed our dirty little nonsense! As long we made you smile, blush, and/or cringe, we've done our job :)

Thank you!! :)


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